Brianna Wiest’s book The Mountain Is You changed my life.

I had studied procrastination and perfectionism, but I didn’t know what self-sabotage actually was.

Don’t get me wrong: I knew I’d been doing it.

But it was like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s explanation of pornography: “I know it when I see it.”

The problem is that vague notions of what a thing is like aren’t really that helpful.

If Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance weren’t complete garbage (#sorrynotsorry), I’d say such notions were what the author Robert Pirsig called “qualia.”

What we need is explicit structure.

That’s why MBAs get off on frameworks and mental models.

They usually get the job done.

Wiest’s book does exactly that for self-sabotage.

The Main Idea

In a book that is entirely about self-sabotage, the second chapter is inaptly named “There’s No Such Thing As Self-Sabotage.”

Wiest has a decent reason though (besides being nicely click-baity).

Her point is that the behaviors that keep us stuck are serving us in other ways.

They address unmet needs.

We don’t even know these needs exist most of the time.

Our subconscious is constantly trying to protect us. So while our rational mind is executing our 5-year plan, the majority of our brain wants to make sure we’re good right now.

It’s a classic case of short-term vs. long-term.

Yet hidden from view.

It also stems from misalignment between what others want and what we want.

Once we start to uncover our fears and our trauma, we can begin to address them — and move forward with a new life.

Signs and Symptoms of Self-Sabotage

The main indicator of self-sabotage is an overwhelming sense that you are not able to succeed on your goals.

Feelings: You feel these emotions often.

• Guilt

• Anger

• Dread

• Anxiety

• Sadness

• Jealousy

• Resistance (a feeling of stuck-ness)

• Overwhelm

• Hopelessness

• Embarrassment

You commonly:

• Feel the overwhelming need to be perfect the first time, every time.

• Lack consistency (e.g. going to the gym n times per week).

• Invest only halfway in order to protect yourself from failure.

• Don’t live up to commitments (especially to yourself).

• Engage in passive-aggressive behavior.

• Can’t make up your mind.

• Are afraid to ask for help.

• Take on too many things.

• Feel like a fraud.

• Are running late.

• Make excuses.

• Give up easily.

• Overanalyze.

• Fake smile.

• Complain.

• Cry.

You resort to: 

• Blame

• Gossip

• Lament

• Bullying

• Outbursts

• Addictions (substances, shopping, doomscrolling, Netflix, porn)

• Self-loathing

Words: You say things like…

• “If only…”

• “It’s not my fault.”

• “I don’t feel like it.”

• “Better lucky than good.”

• “Why can’t I ever catch a break?”

• Of course they did it. They had X already.”

Your 10-Minute Action Plan

To cure self-sabotage, we need to solve your misalignment problem. We will identify your unmet needs and create a scripted habit to enact whenever you feel triggered.

We’re basically combining Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Wiest’s work, and the science and practice of habit formation (James Clear, Charles Duhigg).

Step 1: For all of the signs and symptoms above, ask yourself why you experience those things? Think about all aspects of your life. (5 minutes)

Step 2: Frame your explanations as subconscious commitments. Write them down.

Use this When-Then-Why-Result formula. (2 minutes)

• Example A: “When I am on a diet, (then) I end up eating a bag of donuts because I am committed to not feeling crummy at all costs. The result is that I sabotage my goal as soon as I have negative feelings and later actually feel worse about myself.”

• Example B: “When I’m at work, (then) I don’t fully get onboard with my manager’s agenda because I am committed to doing work that is meaningful — and feel like I’m wasting my life here. The result is that I am not getting promoted, nor am I pursuing my dream.”

• Example C: “When I see a pretty girl (guy), (then) I don’t go talk to her because I am committed to avoiding rejection. I feel worthless and fear (“know”) she’ll ignore me. The result is that I don’t talk to anyone new and thus can’t ever even get to asking someone out.”

Step 3: Figure out a solution for getting unstuck in your 2 biggest areas. This is often pretty easy when we’re thinking objectively. Imagine telling a friend what they should do. Write down a script for what you’ll do next time. Studies show that this works.

Use this Who-Whenever-Will formula. (3 minutes)

• Example A: (Who) I am a person who can tolerate their emotions. Whenever I want to give up on my diet, I will walk around the block before getting in my car. If I still feel like a treat, then I won’t beat myself up.”

• Example B: (Who) I am someone who does whatever it takes to reach my goal. Whenever I get angry or bored with my day job, I will pause and remember why I am doing this (and for how long).

• Example C: (Who) I am a friendly person. Whenever I see someone interesting (even if not romantically), I will give them a smile and say “hi.” If it evolves naturally, then great. If not, no big deal.”

Keys to success:

• Don’t try to change too much at once.

• Make your “will” action as easy as possible.

• Write everything down.

• Say them out loud to yourself 2x per day.

Change isn’t magical. It’s slow.

So don’t expect too much.

Trust the process.

Coda

1/ FYI the book can be a wee bit woo at times, and the writing is in a style that may turn some off.

But overall I highly recommend it if you’ve been feeling stuck.

I started with the audiobook (free with Spotify Premium). I liked it so much I bought the paperback as a reference (linked below).

2/ I heard a guest on the Huberman podcast recently insist on distinguishing between feelings and emotions. I’ve glossed over that above, but some of you may want to dig into that more.

Outro

“Life doesn’t need a soundtrack. Life is a soundtrack.”
—Sri

Could this outro have been anything else?

If you weren’t sentient in 1994, drop everything and listen right now:

Cheers

Find me at thewarriorpoet.com and on LinkedIn.

Get unstuck, and crush it. Double period.